Most people know him as “that racist whackjob GOP Presidential front-runner” But, Donald John Trump problems are now greater than that he is a graceless bigot, and polarizing figure, on par with Hitler for his extreme hatred of freedom, complete lack of simple, basic decency, and propensity for attracting insane, desperate Americans to his political cause. FOX News informs us that the bizarre fake hair that Trump has long worn, pretending it was real, has taken on a life of it’s own. And now, it is using it’s timeless fame to run against Trump for President of the United States.
“I told him a long time ago that someday it (the pubic wig) would backfire on him,” says former wife and mega cougar Ivana Trump-a-lot, laughing, in the lap of her miserable pool boy boyfriend, 30 years younger. “He insisted that people would take him more seriously if he had a full head of hair, which is sad given that he is impossible to take seriously.”
The testicle toupee, wishing now to be referred to as “Merk Trump”, is vying for the GOP nomination, and stands well ahead of Trump in the polls. Others behind the short-and-curly candidate, include that dude who believes Jesus rode dinosaurs, and several other dudes who also believe Jesus rode dinosaurs. The toupee’s campaign slogan is reportedly, “I’m proud to be ‘A-Merkin”, leading many to believe that Merk Trump is opting for the patriotic route, echoing greats such as Kennedy and Reagan.
“I think it’s great, honestly. We finally have a diverse candidate that has the peoples’ best interests in mind. Merk is a symbol of freedom from oppression. He understands it better than anyone, I imagine. It took him decades to finally get off that crazy guy’s head,” says regional campaign manager for the Merk Trump campaign, Jerry Watson.
But, Sarah Finkelstein, a local beauty shop owner, has another opinion altogether. “Everyone’s talking about what a campaigner for personal rights this Merk is, but little does everyone know, he plans to ban Brazilian waxing. This is going to put thousands of people out of a job! I’d rather vote for that one guy who thinks Jesus rode dinosaurs.”